Tips for Talking with Children |
| While children might not understand addiction, they know something is wrong and, in the absence of real information, children will fill in the blanks on their own, and even worse, overhear other family members or family friends talking bad about their parent. When children hear that their parent is "Bad", it creates a tug-of-war in their feelings. They love their parent, yet they're being told they're bad...so if they love them, does that make them bad or wrong? Children should not have to bear the ripple effects of their parent's bad choices. Explaining addiction to a child can be challenging, but it can be a crucial step for building understanding and relieving some of the guilt and anxiety kids may experience. It’s not easy to talk to children about addiction. You may be worried how the conversation will affect your child and wonder if they will even be able to understand it, depending on their age. However, because a parent’s (or any family member’s) addiction has a direct impact on children, it’s crucial to have this conversation. It may be helpful to have the conversation in a therapy setting so both parties have trained emotional support for any issues that may arise because of the conversation. |
When a family member is struggling with addiction, children often sense that something is wrong even if no one has explained it to them. Silence can leave them confused, worried, or tempted to blame themselves. A calm, honest conversation can help children feel safer and remind them that the adults in their lives are paying attention. Use simple, age-appropriate words. For younger children, it may help to say that addiction is an illness that can make a person act differently, make unsafe choices, or have trouble stopping the use of alcohol or drugs. Older children and teens may need more detail, but they still benefit from clear reassurance: they did not cause the addiction, they cannot control it, and it is not their job to cure it. | Children also need permission to have mixed feelings. They may love the family member and still feel angry, embarrassed, scared, or disappointed by the behavior connected to the addiction. Let them know those feelings are normal, and invite questions without forcing the child to talk before they are ready. The conversation should be ongoing, not a single announcement. Above all, emphasize safety, stability, and support. Tell children who they can go to if they feel worried or unsafe, and keep routines as consistent as possible. If the family member is in treatment or recovery, explain that getting help takes time and that caring adults are working to make things better. Children do not need every adult detail, but they do need truth, comfort, and dependable reassurance. |
It's important that you don't minimize the pain that the addiction has caused the child or how it has disrupted the family. After you have validated their pain and the issues the addiction has caused, sincerely apologize and remind them the addiction is not their fault and doesn't have anything to do with how much they are loved. It's also important that your child knows you are getting help and that you are doing everything you can to get better. This reassuring message of hope can be comforting in a unstable situation. If you're unsure how to approach the conversation, reaching out to a licensed family therapist can help. |
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